The Grassy Narrows

Largely out

2012-01-11T03:26:00.000-04:00

Just dropping in here to give a little update.

I have been thinking more about the comfort zone I've been hiding in these days, and getting all these signs from the universe that whatever I wanted to be in life, I would have to live according to my own terms and force myself out of familiarity. I could feel myself falling into old habits when I went to Halifax, and I didn't like that. . I felt my behavior going from adventurous to seeking the familiar with token deviations outside, but still mindful of limitations, and trying to latch onto some form of security even if it was not for me.

I decided this past weekend to out myself on Facebook completely. No negative blowback from what I've seen, and some of the biggest support I've seen so far has come from a few of the more right wing friends. I also put a Twitter status about how I outed myself, but I was a little more cavalier about my sexuality on there, even though my stream is public.

I'm interested in writing, and I'm interested in doing more for the GLBT community. The longer I stayed in the closet, the longer I was putting off living my life and being able to write completely truthfully.

I still have not told my parents yet. I'm toying with trying to come out before my birthday, but I'm also thinking it might be wiser to get settled into a new life first before doing it. It is for this reason I'm not fully out on my public, signed blog, but I have a feeling that once I'm out to them, I will be out there as well.

I just hope they find out on my terms and I'm not outed.

Another plug for the new blog

2011-11-23T17:21:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to get as much traffic redirected from this blog to my main blog that I post under my real name (which I will not post here), so if you haven't gone there already and want to visit, please send me an e-mail to astrangeboy[at]live[dot]ca.

I'm still wondering how to put in that I'm gay on that blog, if I haven't already. I don't want to make it too explicit just yet but have it still send enough of a vibe about who I am.

My coming out story

2011-11-05T14:57:00.000-03:00

Thanks to Jacq from biggaycloset.com for posting my story. You can read In the middle of coming out on her website.

Rick Mercer says what needs to be said

2011-10-26T15:12:00.002-03:00

National Coming Out Day

2011-10-12T01:30:00.001-03:00

Well, the day has come and gone; I made a few posts on Facebook and made more specific reference on Twitter, but it doesn't feel like it had the release I had last year. I'm positive everyone but my parents and a few other people who haven't picked up the hints I've dropped over the years know anyway.

Following up on something I mentioned in an earlier post, I've opened a public blog under my real name that is eventually going to replace all my other blogs. I have my Twitter feed linked to the side bar on that blog, and if anyone looks at that I have a feeling there's no doubt in my mind that they would know I'm gay. I think I may hold off on explicitly making reference to my sexuality on the blog itself until my parents know, but it's a matter of time. I may try to get it added to Queer Canada Blogs too. Rick left a comment on an earlier post about making sure you have a voice in the world, and that voice being authentic. I wonder how authentic my voice can be if I'm still hiding behind a pseudonym.

Anyway, please e-mail me directly at astrangeboy@live.ca for the blog address, if you're interested in reading.

2011-09-27T00:20:00.001-03:00

I'm wondering if I should do something to mark National Coming Out Day this year...

Crossroads

2011-09-11T04:31:00.000-03:00

I've been restless lately.

Small city boredom is starting to get to me. It's been almost a year since I've been living at home again and I miss having my own life back. I will myself to focus on a job search and saving money but then I get lazy or end up getting sick or what have you. It's just a small setback, yes, but let me tell you I've got some pretty serious self-inertia. Why else would I have stayed at a job I loathed for so many years before just getting fed up and quitting last year?

At my job I am surrounded by so many other people who are fed up with the call centre game and looking for their next step, not to mention the others looking to flee this dying city. There are people who still proudly call it home, but young people look around and realize that all that awaits them here, best case scenario, is a lifetime of menial, low-paying, low-security jobs. I had been thinking of going back to school but I don't know if I can afford it.

The bulk of my experience is call centre work. For anyone who thinks it's just sitting on your ass all the time and talking at the phone, they should do it for a year and see if they feel the same way. Being so sedentary (often enforced by your headset being tethered to your phone) has so many health drawbacks. You are a slave to metrics including talk time, quality scores, adherence to your break schedule. Your mind becomes fuzz from the constant repetition and your jaw aches by the end of the day. Call centres don't give job references either. I don't mean to completely demean call centre work, though: it does depend on the company most of the time. You could either be working for a sweatshop that manages to remain open due to lax labor laws and a government desperate for any type of "job creation" numbers, or you might end up in a place that may not promise the moon to get you in but works hard to cultivate as positive an atmosphere as they can. But either way it's not something people were meant to work in from 18-65.

I'm at a loss for what to do next, work wise. I have a degree but I worry my work experience being all call centre work cancels all that. I don't know what I'm qualified for. All I know is the kind of work that doesn't appeal to me. I get mentally exhausted dealing with the public. I'm not in great enough shape for labour work. I have vague ideas of things I'm interested in but don't feel confident that I'm one of those people that can survive doing what I'm passionate about or even what I'm curious about.

I've been considering altering my web footprint to cut down on all the redundant multiple blogs I keep. The thought has entered my head before but a post by Lenora LeNoire had me entertaining the notion again. I would like to be able to be publicly queer as myself on whatever official page I make. Yet I think it is important to keep this space here where I have some way to expose myself nakedly without a name or picture of myself to expose myself to anyone unless I actively share it with someone.

But in a way I'm practically waiting for myself to come out, or be outed. I can be cavalier about what I talk about on some social media and then still try to hide it from others. As much as I want to be open about who I am and as much as my confidence is growing about sharing this part of me, I fear being exposed against my will, maliciously.

And then what do I do?

‎"Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

2011-09-05T22:04:00.001-03:00

A friend of mine posted that as her Facebook status today, and it got me thinking about posting on here more. I was actually talking her not too long before about writing blogs and falling into a trap of projecting towards an "audience" rather than writing from the gut, no matter how painful or hard to read it is.

I've been off work for a little more than a week due to a leg infection. I had been hoping to get out of New Brunswick sooner rather than later but that time off is going to put a crimp in my finances, and I worry that I'll have to spend more time here at my parents' house than I was expecting. It's kind of frustrating to be here in a place where a common question asked by someone you meet for the first time is "who're your parents?" I crave a little more anonymity than this place affords and I also crave my own space again. I felt like myself more when I was in Halifax, casually discussing my sexuality with people and having more opportunity for release. Frustration is a very, very apt word.

I did set up a profile on Plenty of Fish and some of those iPhone apps that let you find local fucking opportunities but all that really confirmed for me is the dearth of local gays and my own discomfort at just looking into an anonymous hookup. Not really the best time to do it when I'm living at home. I do sometimes think about it, though. Relationships scare the fuck out of me sometimes, especially considering the whole process I'll have to go through when I eventually come out to my parents.

I've decided on a writing project for now, borne of my frustrations living in a city with few prospects and . I've been thinking of including a trans or genderqueer side character in something I write but I don't think this is the project. Gender issues interest me, though.

2011-08-18T03:04:00.001-03:00

Today was the 6th anniversary of the day I came out to myself.

What a ride.

Back

2011-07-25T02:21:00.000-03:00

I'm back on a few levels. First of all, I'm back on my own computer after a month and a half making do with an iPod Touch. I like it for Twitter and getting stuff on the go; not so much lengthy blog posts and e-mails (not completely comfortable with the touch keypad). I haven't really kept up with anyone's blogs over the last little while despite having an RSS app, so I apologize if I regularly read and comment normally but haven't gotten around to doing so. I have a lot of catching up to do.
I also came back from a weeklong vacation in Halifax. This was the first time in a while I had a chance to go somewhere for more than a weekend or a handful of days, and I really needed this break from small town life and family. As fun as New York sounded, I made the right decision not to go with my sisters.

I love Halifax. It's a beautiful city with enough going on culturally and socially for my tastes, but it's not quite as intimidating as the thought of moving to one of the big 3 (Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver) would be. I have friends down there. I actually had a somewhat busier social life there than I normally do when I'm at home.

It was nice to seem some more visibly queer people around too...my gaydar was going off like crazy. Mainly for the lesbians/transmen but I spotted so much more than I normally had and it signaled that this is a place I can finally be myself. I also had the opportunity to hang out with a few people who knew I was gay and I could talk about this with. I actually felt a little emotional when I started to process what I was actually doing over coffee and beer, sharing stories and being introduced to strangers as gay.

I hit up Menz Bar on the weekend and while I got hit on by yet another old guy (seriously, I'm an old man magnet) it was nice to see all these other gay men around, even if I was a little too shy to really chat any of them up. I kind of consciously avoided hooking up with someone though, just because I actually was staying at a friend's house and had to leave for home the next morning.

I had a couple of takeaways from the whole trip. I'm starting to really get more open about who I am these days to co-workers and friends, even if I'm not out to my parents and not ready to be. I think I've posted before about I'm starting to get a little more swishy/effeminate with my mannerisms when I talk. I don't know if it's conscious affectation or just me being comfortable enough to be less terse when I speak with someone. I know I have to stop hiding it.

I'm more out of my shell in general these days although sometimes I do still have days where my desire to be social and the availability of people to talk to sometimes don't match up (in both senses). It felt good to be able to go out with people over coffee and beer. I'm trying to chase that feeling back at home although sometimes my work schedule and my friends' availability doesn't match up.

I know I'm going to move to Halifax. My main goal for the next little while is to look for employment down there and try to save a little money for an apartment down there.

Out Of The Loop

2011-07-07T23:13:00.000-03:00

I really haven't been keeping up with blogs since my computer is still not up and running again. I have a feed app on my iPod that's supposed to keep me up to date with what everyone else is doing but I really haven't checked it in a while. I just can't get into writing on a touchscreen, though, unless it's just in bite-sized morsels. Hence my increased activity on Twitter.

I'm finally going on a long, well deserved vacation. I haven't been to Halifax in over two years and I have friends there I haven't seen in a while. I love the city. It's always been my idea of what a city should be. I'm also craving to hit a gay bar or do something "gay" (whatever that means) just because it's been so long since I've had a chance to really be open about it in the real world. On Twitter, I'm positively flaming but unless I'm sure people will be fine about it and not out me I just keep tight-lipped about my same-sex inclinations.

I found out another co-worker is gay. Several of them must know by now (Facebook and Twitter) but I never made reference to being gay as a spoken statement at work. I wonder if I should say something.

I'm going to try to be as openly gay as I possibly can on my vacation, though.

Libido

2011-06-20T11:56:00.000-03:00

I didn't admit to myself I liked men until I was 23 but now that I have, I'm still amazed how strong my sexual interest in them is. Actually, to be honest, I don't think I've had such intense sexual feelings in general until I let myself act on my homosexual urges. For those who took a little while to admit to themselves they were gay, is this a common thing?

Whenever I was interested in a woman in college or before it actually seemed more like an abstract interest after a certain point, like I was actually more interested in the concept of a girlfriend and the social implications of being with someone than anything else. But the sexual aspect really doesn't excite me that much with a woman.

Living at home isn't particularly conducive for me to actually act on my desires, though. Not being out to my parents is one thing, but these are Christian "sex before marriage is bad" parents who don't really spend too much time away from home. Whenever I can get to a city and can stay the night, I want to hit up a gay bar. I am still a bit choosy and won't leave with anyone particularly old or creepy but when you get to a certain point, you need release.

Reluctant Writer

2011-06-20T01:57:00.001-03:00

I sent an e-mail to a friend a few hours ago mentioning my drive to write, but also rationalizing my lack of progress in writing. But then it occurred to me that I spend enough time rationalizing or complaining about how I don't write where I could have actually nurtured ideas into something tangible before me.

I can identify several of my weaknesses when it comes to actually being productive. I'm very perfectionist at times. Sometimes I get intimidated by the black space on the page or screen. When I have a long day at work, I'm tired. I get these nights where I just am too fuzzy-headed to string a comment together. Or I have a headache and can't move my head five degrees without excruciating pain. I also don't like others snooping into my work in progress, and since I moved back home I find I don't get enough of the privacy I feel I need to get anything done. There are things I write that would raise alarms should my panicky and overimaginative mother come across them, and I feel like I have to self-censor any negative emotions should she happen upon it. That's not counting anything involving my homosexual inclinations.

I know I have to get back into the practice of writing more. Maybe this would be the best place to keep posting. I have to get back into a rhythm, to just get the muscle memory back again. I chose this site to be my anonymous blog where I could be free of the baggage of identity, but I'm wondering how well that suits me anymore. I'm getting to the point where I am making conscious efforts to link my queerness to my identity. I'm still not ready to be all the way there yet and I don't think I'm quite ready for my parents to find out, but I'm getting sick of hiding and lying to people. As I said, on Twitter I'm a little more brazen with the references to my orientation. I'm finding a freedom in that.

I know if I want to fully establish my own life again, it will have to be as an openly gay man and not my approximation of what I think everyone wants from me. I don't like the person that ends up existing when I try to be that composite of expectations.

2011-06-13T17:48:00.000-03:00

I also wanted to bring to your attention that Adele Bertei now has a website. She's a veteran musician, writer and polymath who's been around since the late 70s with The Bloods, The Contortions, Thomas Dolby, Anubian Lights and others. Her site's worth visiting. Take a peek.

Creative community

2011-06-13T17:10:00.000-03:00

I've always felt drawn to people that create. I like to think I have a similar push to create myself but I wonder if it's mainly to justify this draw I have to creative types, an admiration for what they do, or if it's a genuine desire within myself. At times I get so frustrated that I have these elements of stories that I want to tell, sounds I want to scrape into a song or scenes and people I want to capture emotional and spiritual essences of but can't quite bridge the chasm between desire and acting on that desire.

I need to build community and nurture connections, a theme I keep coming back to in this blog. I need to stop being so damn anxious about it. Maybe I just need a bit more faith in what I have to say.

Tweeting

2011-06-10T02:25:00.000-03:00

I'm on Twitter. I have my real ID linked to my Twitter account so I don't want to post it here, but I noticed that I'm getting even more brazen with references to my sexual preference on there. If you take a look at who I follow, it's kind of obvious. I mention I am a supporter of gay rights in my profile. I'm even listed on a few lists of queer tweeps.
I still don't want my parents to know and I'm still not quite as open about it on Facebook (getting there, though). But it is a tangible step.
I've been noticing more effeminate mannerisms and "talking with my hands" when I'm with other people. I wonder if it is a conscious affectation or if I get more dynamic the more comfortable I am in company.
Interested in following my Twitter feed? Drop me an e-mail. Tell me how you're doing, too.

Rapture Ready

2011-05-21T06:14:00.000-03:00

Apparently today's supposed to be the day that 3% of the world's population rises to Heaven, leaving behind the rest of us apostates, sinners and depraved souls. I guess I'm part of that other group, on account of me being a man who prefers sex with other men. I bring up the rapture because it reminded a few things about my own Christian upbringing. It wasn't quite as strict and traumatizing as some of the other stories I've heard but it did give me certain hang-ups I still haven't gotten over. I'll probably get into them in a future post.

I had a dream a few days ago where for some reason I'm back at the small town where I went to university. (I know some readers I've directed here are alumni but for the sake of keeping my identity anonymous I won't name the school.) I remember reuniting with a female friend and just felt this intimacy and closeness as well as this overall sense of relaxation around her. I can be kind of uptight and phlegmatic around even some of my closest friends but in the dream I just felt completely at ease. She knows I'm gay in real life, and is one of the people I can say gets me on a closer level than a lot of people. I had a crowd of other friends and acquaintances pop through (some queer themselves) and it just felt like a world where I wasn't holding back. Where there was no distance. Where I felt like myself for the first time in ages. It was a reminder that people do get me no mater how often I've felt the other way so often in the last few years.

A thought on comfort

2011-05-10T01:03:00.000-03:00

I wonder why it is that as a gay man, I feel more comfortable seeking friendship from lesbians and FTMs.

Into Battle

2011-05-04T02:15:00.000-03:00

My initial premonitions of doom aside, I'm taking the results of this election as a sign.

I need to, more than ever, find ways to keep engaged and active in the fight for what I believe in. For all this talk I make regarding my political leanings, gay rights, support for the arts, and so forth, it's long overdue that I actually turn my words into action.

I wonder what this actually involves. I know for sure I am going to have to eventually stop hiding who I am from people if I want to actually make a difference. I'm at the point where I wonder who knows, who can guess, and who is still in the dark. I've become more outspoken this last year, but I really want to get myself involved in a flesh-and-blood manner. I feel like whatever action I'm taking right now is undermined by my unwillingness to be openly and unashamedly queer.

I want to join a political party and start volunteering for different causes I believe in. And the more I dread what the Conservative contempt for the arts may mean for my lofty dreams of writing or photography or general careers in the cultural field, the more this is something I realize I have to do.

It's not easy being a gay man in the more rural parts of Atlantic Canada. There's this unspoken magnification of the disapproval one gets for falling outside of the familiar and the norm most of the time, and every so often that manifests itself in the letter to the editor from the 80-year-old still harping about "sexual immorality" and touting baked beans over contraceptives (actual letter, no joke). Is there a unified GLBT organization that serves the entire province or does New Brunswick only have the different regional ones that for the most part are in the more urbanized, cosmopolitan and tolerant areas?

If Stephen Harper wants a fight, he'll get one.

Thoughts on Election 41

2011-05-03T03:15:00.000-03:00

Fucky fuck fuck.

As pleased as I am to see that Jack Layton is now the leader of the Opposition, and that Elizabeth May finally got a seat, those victories would be sweeter if Stephen Harper didn't get a majority government, because now that gives him carte blanche to do whatever the fuck he wants. He can do a lot of damage in four years.

This is a government that was found in contempt of parliament. And evidently Canadians don't care.

What's going to happen next? I don't want to know. I guess this means that arts funding will be a thing of the past. Same with the CBC. For all Harper's talk of how he's trying to keep fixing the economy, what he's been trying to do was essentially the same type of shit that tanked the Americans'. And we'll be lucky if we still have our health care system.

What's scarier is the contempt he and his party has shown for minority rights, women, and queers. I guess we're going to have to get used to being second class citizens again (at best). I have a trans friend who thinks he's a 5th-class citizen (especially after bill C-389 died unceremoniously in the Senate). I have to wonder if same-sex marriage is going to be eliminated, or what he's going to do with the already-married couples. I wonder if he's going to erode the protections against discrimination that we fought for. I wonder if he'd be so brazen as to recriminalize homosexuality. (You never know...with all these new prisons he's funding despite the crime rate dropping, he may try to find new things to arrest people for).

This is a man who is basically a wannabe-despot. Replacing all the portraits of former Prime Ministers with portraits of himself. Changing the stationary to read that it's no longer the Canadian government but the "Harper Government". Ruling his party with an iron fist. Petty reprisals against his "enemies" or anyone who dares question his authority or decisions. Expect more mass arrests just like G20. He can do it now.

Even if most people end up being turned against the Conservatives after a four-year majority, I don't know if there would even be a way to get them out of power. The contempt they've shown for democracy and the rule of law over the last five years, they won't cede power that easily. Expect them to cripple our electoral process, too.

I wish I could go to bed on a rosier note, but Canadians, you've made your bed. Michael Ignatieff, you've shit in yours.

Blocked and adrift

2011-04-27T04:53:00.000-03:00

I feel a mental block again, a block that's been stopping me from blogging. By the time I get to the computer, whatever it is I want to talk about erodes and I'm left trying to string coherent, interesting sentences together. Maybe it's because I'm a little wary of coming across as a broken record (how many times do I have to say that being closeted is hard), maybe I don't get enough opportunities to write without prying eyes around me. I feel like I don't have anything new to say sometimes.

And I want to reach out and leave comments on blog posts and send messages through Facebook and start Skyping but no. I click "like", that's all the effort I'm making. My e-mail draft folder is piled up again. What do I even want to say to these people? I just feel like I've drifted apart from everyone these days.

Sex drive is starting to go wild again. Too bad I don't want to really go through the bother of going out (especially while I'm living at home).

What's torture: wanting to write but wanting to sleep more.

Where's Keith Ashfield?

2011-04-18T12:56:00.000-03:00

I don't live in Keith's riding but know quite a few who do, and also know quite a few people who are transgender/gendervariant.

Please repost.

Cancellation

2011-04-16T02:28:00.000-03:00

I had originally planned to go to New York this summer with my sisters, but July approaches and I'm reminded I haven't really done as much saving as I had intended to this year, partially because of Grandma's death in January necessitating a drive to Ontario, partially because of poor impulse-shopping control on my account. I don't want to stick in this city working at my tedious, low-paying but not altogether bad job past the fall but if I went on this trip, which was in the planning stages since this past August, I think I would have to stay here a little longer. And I don't think I can justify that to myself. I told them I'm not coming along; they're telling me to think it over next week and are willing to keep things open just in case I do change my mind, but it really seems too wasteful and extravagant even if I were coming along with them, camping and commuting.

I'm a little bummed it's come to this, but it's basically their trip anyway. When I hear of their plans for the trip I really can't put myself into the situation and get myself excited in the same way they are. I also know from experience my older sister and I butt heads when we travel and if it gets as bad as I'm used to there might be a point where I might just try to go home separately and ahead of schedule.

I also just feel like I've been wasting money and time on silly things far too long. Even a weekend music festival in the college town I used to live in really feels too much like a waste of money and time.

Periodic Respite

2011-04-12T03:00:00.000-03:00

I made it down to Fredericton and back; my first visit to the city in about eight years. I've had various friends living there at different times for that period of time, but the way work schedules work out with bus schedules doesn't lend itself to travelling too far too often. This was a trip I needed to take alone; not that I really had any volunteers to drive me down, when even the most direct route is still quite impractical. I find I don't get nearly enough alone time these days, and for the first time since I moved back home I felt like I got enough space to reorient myself.

I ended up going to this art show in a house on Friday night because a few Facebook friends spread the word. It was essentially a party open to the public, but I ran into a few people I knew from the artistic enclaves of the province. I don't consider myself really "of" them but I really admire what they do and it was nice to speak with someone who spoke my language and that could get me thinking about creating again. I don't really connect with others quickly at parties and grasp for words and openings, but there was a familiarity to the environment that reminded me of the last term of my university days, where I was meeting different groups of people than I normally would have exposed myself to.

I took a lot of pictures. I've had the DSLR for about a year and a half but this trip I was playing more with the manual focus and turning off the automatic white balance settings. I still don't think I'm quite at the point where I'm taking the kind of pictures I want to be taking but I'm getting so much closer.

I recognize my flaw is being too concerned with getting the process over with. This applies to writing, to photography, to art. I came across some of my old stuff from high school and remembered how much time I used to have to invest in assignments. I gave into procrastination as years went by, coupled with impatience. I forgot how much I need to play around, experiment and keep at things.

I hope I can keep this creative drive that I've been feeling the past few days and not succumb to laziness or intimidation. The worst thing I tell myself is not to strive for the level of technical skill and emotional expression I admire in other people because they are somehow on this plateau I was not born onto and shouldn't try to climb up to.

I want to rehabilitate my ambition and be able to make even less than ideal circumstances productive.

Fredericton I like. There seems to be a little bit more life to it than Moncton, despite being smaller. Maybe it's because of the university crowd. I do know a bit more about the queer community thanks to FQ and several Facebook friends online, and I'm not as frozen out with my lack of French as I felt in Moncton. Would I move there? I don't know. It may have enough for me there, but I may still need a bigger city for what I really want.

Late night thoughts

2011-04-05T03:48:00.000-03:00

I turned 29 on the weekend and it's getting me thinking about getting older and getting where I want to go this year. I'm going to be relocating and changing jobs for the fall but the whole thing is so open-ended I still have no idea which direction I'm going in.

I'm heading down to Fredericton for the weekend coming up just to get out of town. It's long overdue.

On webspaces, anonymity and being out

2011-03-26T18:02:00.000-03:00

Over the last few days I've been thinking more and more about reducing the number of blogs I have open online. I have a grand total of five active ones: three blogs are completely public with my name on it and not surprisingly have the least amount of personal content. I have an old Livejournal account that I've had since my university days and valued for the ability to only share with an approved subgroup of friends (itself being a continuation of a blogspot I kept for about three years before). And then, there's this one.

When I started out with this site, I was intending to keep an anoymous blog where I could write freely and openly without feeling boxed in by linking it to my name and picture. I felt that where I had a page like this, it would allow me to get to more naked and raw areas of expression. I didn't want to let anyone know about this page partially because I was still in the process of coming out (which I'm technically not done with yet, but I have a feeling anyone who can put two and two together with what I post on my Twitter and Facebook can figure it out for themselves), but also because I wanted whoever found the page would see this page more in terms of what is said than who is saying it.

Of course, I also felt the urge to share it with a couple of people. And I felt the urge to use the site to connect with others (Queer Canada Blogs has played a major part in me making new connections). Now I have no problem sharing this site with someone as long as they are queer-friendly and promise not to link it publically to my name and location (I even have a sublist on Facebook that I shared the link with).

But where to go next? When I start streamlining my blogs I think what I'm going to do is put a blog on the personal site I want to build for myself for professional reasons and networking, but since my parents don't know I'm gay I don't know exactly how "out" I want to be on there. I do want to be able to talk about these things and these feelings so I still want to keep this space open for now, but I do want to eventually be able to just have the one space and with it, the ability to be open about my sexuality and who I am.

I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my website, and I'm going to need help to match whatever it is I come up with my head with what ends up being the final product. What exactly should my website have in order to make it stand out that it is a serious tool of mine for networking and developing my interest in writing and photography? I want to feel like my work presents itself in a way that I'm saying that it is worth reading. Worth sharing.

I want to also be able to say that what I'm sharing reflects truly who I am.

Petals and Promises

2011-03-19T00:47:00.000-03:00

There's a story that hit the CBC the other day about a New Brunswick florist that backed out of outfitting a wedding ceremony when she discovered that the couple was same-sex. The story's been picked up on Perez Hilton's gossip blog and even as far away as Holland.

I actually know the area where the florist is located because I lived there for several years. Riverview, NB is a town across the Petitcodiac River from the larger cities of Moncton and Dieppe. I can't really say I was too surprised that something like this would happen there: it always seemed to be a town for people who liked having the convenience of the city nearby but felt that living in the suburbs wasn't enough of a buffer against the more "exotic" aspects of city life or the more pronounced Francophone influence that the other two cities have (Riverview is 95% anglophone). It was frustrating living there sometimes, because while it was convenient to be close to my job, the city bus service to Moncton was a joke (something even more brutal when you're at the mercy of a call centre job schedule) and a trip to the gay bar would often mean a $15 cab ride home.

It's interesting seeing the response coming out of the woodwork. I was proud to see that some Moncton area residents are organizing a peaceful protest against the florist (and was heartened to see a few names I recognized joining the protest group, which is here for anyone who wants to support their cause). But while there are a lot of people who recognize that this is a matter of Evans violating a law (the New Brunswick Human Rights Act), there's also an ugly backlash from religious people, conservatives and people who believe that the florist has the right to refuse to serve anyone for whatever basis she chooses.

The backlash really illustrates what I don't like about living in this province. I've met many tolerant and forward-minded people, and of course there is definitely a number of queer New Brunswickers around, but there's still a pervasive old-fashioned mindset here. There are a lot of closed-minded people who would be content to not have to expose themselves to a different point of view: if you are different, you are a threat to the "authentic" New Brunswick. The small town papers are littered with the screeds of people who resent bilingualism, multiculturalism and homosexuality. These attitudes drive people out of the province. Being in the economic crapper doesn't really keep people here either.

If these people believe it's her right to refuse to outfit a wedding that goes against her religious beliefs, are they also fine with anyone explicitly denying service to a potential customer if they were a white Christian man? I do see they have a point about it being a two-way street but we need these protections codified to guard against the tyranny of the majority. The strides women, minorities and GLBT people have made for their own rights didn't just come from the majority just suddenly deciding to be nice.

Besides, it is her right to hold her beliefs, but if her actions treat a group (race, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs) as second-class citizens, it's wrong. And those who cry that treating the same sex couple with the same dignity and respect that she would afford a straight couple is a violation of her own rights forget that her right to not agree with same sex marriage is not being violated: she doesn't have to support it herself but she does not have the right to discriminate. It's not like the couple was forcing her to have sex with another woman.

When I first posted about the issue earlier, a distant relative who agreed with the florists' right to discrimnate likened it to him refusing to offer his web design services to a porn site. (NOT THE SAME THING). This is someone who also professes he believes being gay is not a choice and that he has nothing against gay people. I wonder if he is sincere in his beliefs or if he is merely saying this to try and avoid being seen as homophobic, because he's said his share of ignorant comments regarding DADT, Glee and same sex marriage. Maybe he is sincere but doesn't realize exactly how his words don't match up with each other.

Righteous Anger

2011-03-10T05:18:00.000-04:00

When I hear about all the shit that the right wing do, like Governor Walker in Wisconsin, like Stephen Harper here in Canada, I get angry. Maybe it's my educational background (Sociology major) or maybe it's being part of a particular group that Conservatives and Republicans like to demonize ("Oh no! Don't expose our children to them!"), or maybe it's just my own personal moral compass, but their contempt for so many people sickens me.

The people that vote them there are mostly voting against their own interests, aside from the corporate puppetmasters who make sure the public doesn't know what's going on. Or these people would rather be poor and miserable as long as people with darker skin, women, Muslims, queers and anyone else that's the slightest bit different will get screwed worse than they are. They don't want to be confused with the facts. They don't want to put themselves in the other groups' place. They think they have the moral upper hand that excuses them from thinking about what it's like to be on the receiving end of their push. Because for some reason in their mind we deserve to be oppressed.

I hate that the right wing aligns themselves with God. I hate that they counter our objections to whatever they pull with sanctimonious posturing and pious excuse their lies, cruelty, hatred and oppression. They smugly talk about sacrifice while gleefully handing the workers over to be mugged by billionaires, who don't deserve to be forced to sacrifice or give or anything like that.

They act like we're actually victimizing them when we fight back.

And the sheer hypocrisy of some of these right-wing idealogues. They can be caught time and time again in their lying and distortion, not to mention all sorts of other bad behaviour short of crushing kittens for simple pleasure, but it's okay when THEY do it!

I won't go into the moral bankruptcy of trying to reconcile the Bible with Ayn Rand.

2011-03-03T01:50:00.000-04:00

Being gay is a big part of who I am, but it's not the only part.

Purpose

2011-02-27T21:10:00.001-04:00

I really want to do something with my life that isn't just consumption or living only to keep the bills paid, but I don't know what. I find with the line of work I do it's impossible to commit to anything besides my job due to scheduling.

I've been getting the urge to get involved in the community somehow and fight for what I believe in. I speak my mind a lot these days but I still know where I hold back, and I realize I'm just typing words from the safety of my computer chair instead of working and doing something to tangibly improve people's lives.

I never really was involved in much during my time at university, though. Christian Fellowship during the first two years, yes, but then I realized around that time that I was having questions about what I believed in where the feel-good lovey-dovey praise and worship felt like empty ritual to me, and I knew I didn't believe in the hard line either. I got involved with campus radio around the end of my time at school but I was basically just filling my playlist, doing my show and going to the music festival fundraiser and year end parties.

Being in the closet at home is not helping anything. Ideally I would move to a bigger city and find some queer organization to get involved with, but I also believe in a lot of other liberal causes and want to find some way to contribute.

Coming out stories

2011-02-21T01:19:00.000-04:00

How did you come out to your parents and your friends? Did it go well?

The Introvert

2011-02-20T04:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I get into these spurts where I realize just how superficial my relationships are. I feel that while I do make the occasional friendly overture but for the most part I'm closed off and aloof, not really speaking unless I'm spoken to. Socially I'm not particularly comfortable but when I do find a good back and forth with someone it usually blossoms into a long-lived friendship. Yet I still feel so guarded a lot of the time, afraid to expose any of my vulnerabilities and falling into unsatisfying conversations. Whenever a conversation is extended it's about something inane or impersonal. I often feel like I don't have the energy to invest properly in the relationship, letting a simple "like" of a Facebook post substitute for saying hi.

I'm concerned that I may be freezing out people.

Maybe I feel more in control when I'm alone. I don't like talking on the phone a whole lot and prefer meticulously crafted and agonized-over e-mails. I rarely make plans with other people and most of the time I do it's usually not me that initiates them.

Perhaps it's just that I don't trust enough.

Us vs. Them

2011-02-08T01:02:00.000-04:00

I had an online debate on a distant relative's Facebook status.

This relative of mine is a fervent Tea Partier. He regularly posts anti-Obama statuses and denounces liberals and democrats with childishly petulant terms, copying talking points verbatim from Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. He also says he believes that being gay is not a choice and that he admires George Takei for the work he does for GLBT rights, but he still has moments where his actions don't match up with his words. Like when he posted on accidentally stumbling on "Glee" the night of the Super Bowl and referring to it as a "commercial for the gay agenda".

What was more concerning to me was when he "liked" a reply comment where the poster mentioned how twenty years ago he would have punched a gay couple, but to do so now will get you 20 years. I replied about the disconnect between his words and actions, but haven't gotten a reply yet. I did get into a debate with another commenter about "putting it in everyone's face", the rash of gay suicides, white/heterosexual privilege and how change only comes about when enough people demand their rights and cannot be silenced out, making comparisons to the way multiracialism doesn't have the huge stigmas it had in the past. The other person kept repeating about how race and sexual orientation aren't the same thing, completely ignoring my point about how discrimination is discrimination.

The way I see the real "agenda" for Glee is that it's all about overcoming differences and acceptance of people for what they are, but I am also sadly aware that for some people, it will always be us vs. them. But anyone can be an us. Anyone can be a them. Some people need to put another down to feel powerful.

I don't think my words really have any effect on many of the participants. There is another commenter on my side of the political spectrum but most of them don't want to take responsibility for how their words and actions send the message to gay people that they are somehow lesser people, inferior and that they have to shut up and accept that they have less a right to happiness or to be themselves.

But I fight regardless.

I fight for my friends who struggle to assert their rights to love who they want. To be who they are. To be happy.

I fight for myself, still negotiating my own identity, readying myself for disaster. Never quite sure whether I'm saying too much or not saying enough, whether I'm being subtle with my hints or as obvious as a flashing neon sign.

I spent years letting myself get bombarded with those messages and suppressing myself to become acceptable.

It took a lot to get me to the point where I realized that was not an option I agreed with.

It took even more to get me to the point where I knew why I didn't agree with it.

And it's going to take more to get me to the point where I don't have to hide anymore.

2011-02-06T05:37:00.000-04:00

A friend sent me this quote...

2011-02-04T03:50:00.002-04:00

"..coming out means the necessary, ongoing courage to be visible. To risk ostracism, violence, and loss. To embrace one's core sense of self - whether through rebellion, defiance, mourning, laughter, relief, or tenderness." - Joan Larkin

Down

2011-01-31T03:23:00.000-04:00

I've been having that lonely, unfulfilled feeling when I honestly want to say certain things but can't bring myself to say them. It's nothing new, as you can see if you've read some of my other blog posts. I'm behind on e-mails yet again, too.

Lately I've been getting an urge to make my way to one of the nearest cities with a gay bar and spend the night. There are a few considerations I would have to juggle, specifically finances, work schedules and finagling a place to crash for the night, but I haven't been to one in almost six months. I'm at least reaching out to other gay people over the internet, but I would love to be open in a physical sphere with a group of gay people again.

What I want to do sometime is make a post about my coming out story. I'm considering submitting something to Big Gay Closet in due time too.

Inconspicuous

2011-01-25T01:53:00.000-04:00

There are times when I'm surrounded by other people and I clam up; I don't feel I have anything to contribute and anything I say or do will either be scrutinized or waved off as a brief mosquito-like annoyance. My instinct is to quickly take myself to some wide open, still and remote location where my silence is inconspicuous.

I do like people. I do remember some great conversations and experiences where I felt like I was most myself. But it's sometimes too easy for me to get to a place where I want to take this easy way out.

2011-01-18T01:19:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates; the last week and a half was chaos including travel half-way across the country for Grandma's funeral. I don't really have the energy or the mental stamina to post anything besides a marking time post but I want to thank you all for your condolences and hope to be back posting real content any day now.

RIP Grandma

2011-01-07T00:33:00.001-04:00

Sadly, our worst fears were confirmed. Grandma died at 10:07 EST.

Late To The Party

2011-01-06T20:19:00.000-04:00

I finally downloaded Skype onto my computer; I haven't really used it at all yet but in keeping with my goal of connection, I intend to. I don't want to post my Skype ID on here just because of that whole linking it to my name or established online identity issue, but if you want to connect with me on there, send an email to my astrangeboy [AT] live [DOT] ca address and I'll add you.

It's kind of a rough day today because we just received news last night that my 91-year-old grandmother's undergoing some major health issues and this morning they let us know thay she had a rough night last night. We haven't heard any more lately. My aunt's falling apart and at this point I'm preparing for the worst. All our extended family is in Ontario, and the city I live in is two hours of bad road to the main road out of New Brunswick. My uncle that died in October was on the same side of the family. Fuck.

The New Year

2011-01-03T05:02:00.000-04:00

If I had two overarching goals for the coming year, it would be openness and connection.

I need to stop hiding myself. This anonyomous space is freeing in certain ways; I don't feel like I need to self-censor as much as when I make a Facebook status or Twitter post or anything that has my real name attached to it, but at the same time I'm at a point where I want people to be able to read this and find out what this is what I've been going through in the past few years. And at the same time, I can feel the openness spilling into my other life, with every GLBT-related thing I "like" on facebook or every queer Twitter account I follow.

I also want to open myself to different possibilities and experiences this year and get out of my safety zone. I'm going to uproot to another city by year's end. This is non-negotiable.

I also need to stop isolating myself. I'm going to keep reaching out through blog comments and blog posts, through e-mail and Facebook messages. I made a lot of strides in the past year, especially with connecting to other gay people, but I also realize there have been a lot of connections I've neglected, or hesitated with, or haven't been truly engaging with full confidence. I have too many insecurities that I've been nurturing with every day I kept quiet, which would in turn feed my insecurities faster.

Years ago I found the magic of connecting with like minds and watching that grow into something special. Why am I afraid to open myself that again?

Share your story

2010-12-29T00:31:00.000-04:00

One of the best resources on the web I've come across is Big Gay Closet. I found out that they are always looking for coming out stories, and I just want whoever comes across this to consider sending their story to them, as they depend on people like us to keep sharing our experiences to keep updated constantly. I'm going to direct you to their post on how to submit, which also gives some advice for those looking for help on an interesting story.

Please, if you can help them out, or spread the word to your queer friends to share their stories, it would be appreciated.

Coming out in a letter

2010-12-28T02:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think of sending people "coming out" letters, but I wonder what truly is the best way to come out. I have sent some in the past; I've come out in instant messaging conversations and a few times in person, but is there a preferred method to coming out?

I just also wanted to thank everyone for reading and commenting on my blog here, and to my fellow queer bloggers for posting; you guys have been a much needed lifeline.

Keeping Quiet

2010-12-22T03:52:00.000-04:00

Kara of She-Be-She (great NB queer blog, check it out) made a great post about the responsibility to hold people accountable to their prejudices, particularly when these prejudices are directed at gay people.

The other day I overheard someone on the bus right talk about how they were against gay marriage. It was a middle-aged gentleman talking with an old woman, and the tone of the conversation seemed more like they were just brought up in a certain belief system rather than all "rah rah I hate queers" but still, it really did make me realize I was in a small old-fashioned city. There are some times when I think that when the 60s came, this city as a whole stuck their fingers in their ears and sang "la la la" until the scary part was over. We have the old prudes constantly writing letters to the paper about sexual immorailty. We have a tragically high teen pregnancy rate.

I didn't say anything. I should have. I don't think I really "look" gay, at least not on the bus on the way to work. My mannerisms are mainly of someone who hasn't had enough sleep last night, not particularly telegraphing anything to anyone. I do notice sometimes how my voice changes and I talk with my hands when I'm comfortable enough in a situation, but aside from the one guy at work, I don't really think too many people in town have a clue I am gay aside from things they can infer from digging around my Facebook likes and awkward sort-of-hints I give. Which is just as well; I don't feel comfortable living my life in a place where everyone knows each other, and just as many are related to one another.

I'm shirking my responsibility. I know it.

Facebook

2010-12-21T03:09:00.000-04:00

What is the best way to (subtly) come out on Facebook? I'm out to some, not to all, and I don't want it to be too explicit.

I'm also up for more queer Facebook friends. I don't want to publicly post my name and location on this blog so I'm thinking maybe shoot me off an email if you're interested. I admit sometimes I don't say too much aside from the occasional glib status update though.

Content

2010-12-16T04:43:00.000-04:00

I think my biggest enemies with regard to having a constantly updated blog are distractability and tiredness. I carry a paper and pad with me to write down ideas but I find I sometimes just can't grasp the words or find something I feel like sharing. Well, that's not true: there is a lot I want to get off my chest but can't find the format.

I'm thinking of doing something similar to what Miz Moffatt of Cute, Queer, Canadian is doing here, just to get the juices flowing.

How do you keep updated regularly?

Duality

2010-12-09T03:09:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd have to stifle my sexuality when I moved back home this fall, but if anything, being here has made me even more carnal-minded.

I have a few gay co-workers and another whose daughter is gay. I'm not overly "out" but I have a feeling most people who look me up online under my real name can guess. I have a Facebook filter that only explicitly states my sexuality to other queer people, but the number of GLBT pages I like are pretty loud hints.

I live a double life. I wonder how long the centre can hold. It's like what ever energy I devote into hiding is being mached and then some by the urge to connect.

I'm a very tired Strange Boy.

Backwoods

2010-11-30T01:56:00.000-04:00

I would love to find some other queer bloggers from New Brunswick.

You live your life like a canary in a coal mine

2010-11-27T03:03:00.000-04:00

There are times when the words aren't coming and the connections I seek with other people are too much effort to maintain. Sometimes I feel like the Mary Beth Hurt character in Interiors, someone looking for an outlet to release all that's pent up inside but lacking the skill to make it happen. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, like my friend M always says.

Who am I? What am I looking for? As lost as I feel sometimes, sometimes I do come to realize how much closer I am to answering these questions than I was five years ago. Sometimes I just see these little glimpses into my own self when I come across them on the Internet.

There are times when I feel like trying to push towards my better self; to expand my interests in writing and creating art, to carry out these long, interesting and nakedly honest conversations with like minds. To find that ability to translate these confusing emotions I've been feeling. But then I end up trying to get back to my safe routine and a desire just to gloss it over and keep my routine and a pleasant facade over what's inside, and to make it through the day with minimal drama. Or I get these bursts where I have to say something to someone just for the sake of letting it out, but then I realize I'm not really prepared to do so. Or that nobody is listening.

Sometimes I just take for granted the immense potential for connection the Internet offers me. I just read a post by Sarah Dopp, where she talks about just that. I just don't take full advantage of the opportunities I'm given in a few senses of what this means. I hesitate when I reach out. I hesitate when someone reaches out to me.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks.

2010-11-04T01:50:00.001-03:00

It's been kind of hectic lately. My uncle died in an accident on sunday and I just started a new job on Monday. I can't make it to the funeral (halfway across the country).

1001 Days

2010-10-27T04:49:00.000-03:00

I'm trying to get one of those Day Zero "101 things in 1001 days" lists cobbled together; I'm about halfway through. It's hard to figure out what exactly I want to put on there; not that there isn't a whole lot I would like to do but sometimes I feel like a lot of my goals are redundant or would be best summed up with a single objective.

I won't be putting "come out of the closet" on there because by putting that on there, I am effectively outing myself to whoever comes across it. Unless it is to a specific person, it's not something that can really quantifiably be completed unless everyone in the world knows. In a sense it is already done; I came out to myself five years ago and am more open about it than I have been. I am not out to my parents and I don't want to be outed to them by any way other than my own choice.

Wasted time

2010-10-21T03:39:00.000-03:00

Sometimes I wish I came out while I was still at university.

I remember a number of times I was interested in girls but looking back it wasn't necessarily the woman so much as the idea of being with a woman and the chase involved. It felt like if I could land one it would validate once and for all that I was straight. A lot of them were fairly androgynous types...traditional feminity didn't really interest me. At the same time I would see guys around campus that inexplicably I would be drawn to and fascinated by. The curiousity had been lingering for a few years but I would usually panic from these thoughts and try to push them out with reading the Bible. But sometimes, as much as I tried not to notice, there just seemed to be this "thing" when I was around certain guys. Eventually, though, the curiousity would develop into something bigger and I eventually realized I was turned on more by male bodies and male genitalia, and the thought of having sex with another man was doing something to me that only felt forced when I tried thinking about sex with a woman. I eventually started making friends with other gay and lesbian people and it at least made me start to realize something. By the time I finally did admit to myself I was interested in men, I had already been out of school a few months and was living at home. It's hard to say what would have been different had I known I was gay earlier, but I definitely didn't really have any space to explore further until I moved out a year and a half later.

I wonder where I would be if I followed my curiousity whenever I saw posters for the campus gay and lesbian group rather than try to shoehorn myself into a person I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to become for those couple of years. I could recognize a few classmates of mine definitely were gay. I wonder what kind of friendships would have developed or not. If perhaps I might be in a completely different place than I am right now.

But wondering and speculating won't change the fact that those lost years aren't going to come back to me.

2010-10-18T03:44:00.000-03:00

I just came out to one of my closest friends on Facebook.

He's a Christian and a youth pastor. He knows I've had issues with religion for a while as well.

He's actually being pretty supportive.

Anonymity

2010-10-17T03:37:00.000-03:00

I like having this space where I can write about these intense personal things that I've been feeling, without having it linked to my name publically. This is not to say I don't want anyone I know to come across it; I've volunteered the address to a few other people. In fact, sometimes I wish there were more people that knew me that could see it.

But who would I share it with?

Driftwood

2010-10-15T03:14:00.000-03:00

I set up an e-mail address primarily for people who access this blog to contact me; it will go to this address, which I also have set to be retrieved by my main e-mail address. astrangeboy [at] live [dot] ca

I've been looking at this wonderful site that someone mentioned in a comment to one of my previous entries: I'm From Driftwood. It's a collection of personal essays from GLBT people all around the world, meant to show people who are struggling that they are not alone, that many people felt the same way they do and that it is possible to make it through the hard times. Sites like this and the It Gets Better Project are so damn important like now, when so many young people have been taking their own lives because of the harassment and bullying.

I wonder if any friends I haven't explicitly come out to can piece my orientation together based on what I've been posting on Facebook over the last few days...

E-mail

2010-10-14T00:01:00.000-03:00

I don't have an email address listed publically on the blog in keeping with the theme of anonymity, but I'm wondering if I should set up one specifically so that people who view this blog can contact me personally without needing to leave a comment on the blog (which is still welcome).

Relocation

2010-10-13T01:05:00.000-03:00

I'm planning to relocate somewhere in the next year or so. Where I'm living right now feels like nowhere (again, I'm not going to specify where) and there's not really a big queer community here, let alone anything else but call centres, Wal-Mart, a dying mall, a terrible radio station and a thrice-weekly paper that usually has a letter to the editor from an 80-year-old man railing against lack of morality and the Communists.

Which cities in Canada are the most queer-friendly? I also have to keep other factors in mind such as affordability and the job market, but there is so little reason for me to stay in the same province, and less to stay in the same town I'm in right now. I'm in an area where it's very hard to get a job aside from a low-wage service sector job; I think I want to go back to school but even with education, nobody seems to be able to start a career here. Young people move away from here at a huge rate; the government gloats there are so many jobs here for people to come home to but the reality is that they're begging these people to settle for much, much less. Being close to family is the main reason people stay, but a lot of people have roots here much deeper than mine.

If anyone can give me their own feedback and experiences, I'd appreciate it.

National Coming Out Day

2010-10-12T00:20:00.000-03:00

Today was National Coming Out Day. I've made strides over the past few years, especially in the last two or three. But I'm not out to my parents and can't see myself doing so for a little while.

My parents are pretty Christian; kind of a given when your dad is a minister. He has said he doesn't agree with homosexuality before, although most of the conflict that we have is both of us are very similar personalities. My mother on the other hand is a little more socially liberal but still doesn't believe in homosexuality (she thinks it's a choice) and has openly expressed disgust with gay kissing or sexual scenes on TV; she also seems to think that me and my sisters are still the same people we are when we were 12. It doesn't help that I really do seem to revert to a certain way when I'm at home and sometimes it seems like if I don't make an conscious effort, I become this babbling child.

I think my mother will have a harder time with it; my sister once said that she lives in a "fantasy world". She's not psychotic or anything but she is a little foggy brained due to medication for a variety of medical issues that have just bunched up in the past couple of years. She's pretty lucid a lot of the time but there are times when if she doesn't like something, she automatically projects it onto us (ie: if she doesn't like cheesecake, in her mind we don't like cheesecake). She actually once said to me she doesn't want us to go to Hell. There's also a willful denial that we would do anything like premarital sex or cohabitation, and a big fear about what her friends will think. She went nuts the year she saw my straight ally sister march in my city's Pride Parade on the local news and we had to talk her down for hours. Precursor of things to come, I guess.

Since National Coming Out Day also fell on Canadian Thanksgiving (I will concede I live in Canada, but don't want to specify the city or province I live in), I saw someone post about how this was the perfect opportunity to come out of the closet. Maybe one day I will to them, but I want to have my buffer zone between them and myself. Right now my universe is too small.

I am trying to reach out and rekindle friendships that I have neglected over the past few years. Leaving my job and moving back home has at least restarted something in me. I would go through fits of loneliness in my apartment, but that would also be mixed in with an apathy and an inability to put the effort I needed to socialize. Instant messaging was even a chore then. I'm trying to write as many people I know now. I have about thirty drafts in my folder.

I made a Facebook post about National Coming Out Day and a veiled one about accepting myself. I still hide my orientation except for select people, although that group grows bigger and bigger. I wonder, though, if I give off enough hints that people can tell this about me.

Flow

2010-10-08T03:48:00.000-03:00

I think the universe has more than its share of interesting people and potential for magical conversations. I still feel this way even though I've hit a dry spell in a few years. A lot of it is pretty much self-imposed due to general awkwardness and a bevy of confidence issues, but I remember a piece of myself from a few years back that was more willing to at least try to lasso that share my way and open myself to these things.

By nature I'm more of an observer and not so much an initiator; I wait for things to happen rather than start towards things. I can also feel myself repeating the same story to different people too many times, and the story doesn't seem to branch out so much as funnel down into a stop point. No new tangents to pick up and develop and grow from; just one linear, increasingly limited tale that even I'm getting sick of. I look at conversations in comment threads and wonder how I can get to that point. I don't really get into these involved conversations online anymore, just random shit-shooting with my usual people. Even then I haven't been doing it as much as I have been before.

I'm seeking different energies these days, but the trouble with living at home for the time being is that I feel boxed back into a perception of me that others seem to have, and to break that perception while I don't have the buffer of distance doesn't seem like a good idea at this point.

I have a draft folder that's about thirty full right now. My goal is to whittle it down to fifteen by the weekend.

2010-09-25T07:23:00.001-03:00

Today I move back in with my parents, after a failed stab at adulthood.

They don't know I'm gay.

Indulgence

2010-09-24T01:12:00.001-03:00

After I quit my job, I decided I was going to hit the gay bar at least one more time while I still had the chance; I didn't really want to stay in that weekend and feel sorry for myself, so I allowed myself this last indulgence.

I shaved my head completely bald before I go out and carefully select my wardrobe. I'm not the greatest dresser in the world but I do try to look presentable when I go to a bar; I usually try to keep it casual, though and distinct from the dulled down clothes I would buy for work and so forth. Baldness is mainly an aesthetic choice because I've been losing my hair since god knows how long but I've always been fascinated by a completely hairless head and love the feeling of a smooth scalp underneath my fingers. I also try to experiment with facial hair. I want to use it in a way that telegraphs that I'm queer.

I did hit the bar and ended up flirting with a slightly older man, a university professor who barely spoke English. I ended up going with him over to his place; we only had oral sex and I didn't stay the night.

I've posted before that I wonder what I would do if I was a little less inhibited and a little more willing to embrace the inner freak that I've always had. Sometimes I think about getting pierced in different places or having plugs or eyelets in my ears. Change my dress as well. Then I think of maybe even more extreme gender-variant or androgynous stuff. I'm a bearish male but I sometimes toy with being so over the top and flamboyant, freaky and unnatural looking. I'm not a woman but I kind of feel like being in the neutral space between boy and girl.

I don't really know what world I truly inhabit sometimes. What is the best fit for me? What is my true self? I look for and fear the answer: what if my true self is really not all that interesting or worth knowing?

2010-08-27T03:34:00.000-03:00

I quit a job that was slowly destroying me over the course of the past few years. Maybe this is the beginning of several other leaps.

Open

2010-08-09T15:49:00.000-03:00

Most of the time when I log into blogger to write a new post, I'm completely blocked. I would like to make what I post here count, but a lot of the time I really feel like I'd just be repeating myself.

I've been going out to the gay bar. I've fielded offers for sex, three-ways, etc. but I would usually drink myself to the point where I'm no longer interested in sex. And for all this talk I make about wanting to meet other gay people, I find myself really running away from meeting new people. Did I actually have this openness before? I remember about five years ago accompanying my friend to the bar in my university town where I would meet all these cool, interesting artsy bohemian types. Maybe I need someone with me to make me feel less awkward.

Compartments

2010-05-09T01:32:00.004-03:00

I don't really like country music a whole lot, at least not the "New Country" stuff that's been coming out of Nashville for the past 20 years, with the overly slick production, the hat acts and the shoehorning of twang into every single vocal. But I couldn't help but take notice when Chely Wright came out. It was a bit more interesting because it wasn't a whole "DUH" on the level of Ricky Martin or Lance Bass, and country music isn't really known for being a particularly gay-friendly field. I read an Entertainment Weekly interview with her and this little bit really leaped out at me:

"My dad. My dad’s reaction surprised me. I thought someone was about to tell him. And I felt that division. There’s a compartmentalization that goes on, and the older you get, the more separate you live your life. You don’t want to do it, but you do it to protect your secret. I found myself just not being comfortable when he would call. And thought, Why are we growing apart? I can’t do this!"

Seperation. That's definitely the right word for it. I kind of feel like this is what's happening with my own life. My sisters know, my parents don't. Some of my friends do, some of them (including a number of close ones) don't, although I wonder if they can pick something up based on all the links to gay rights related stuff I post on there. But who really knows? How can I even be sure anymore? If I go ahead and tell someone, will they tell someone else?

It's not really a matter of if I want to come out. I just wonder if I'm ready to deal with the results. When you tell some people but not others that may be closer to you, it's a wedge.

2010-05-07T02:45:00.002-03:00

I'm looking around the internet for different GLBT related blogs. Preferably those that are more individual accounts of life. If you can recommend any, please leave a comment.

Excursion

2010-05-04T02:33:00.006-03:00

I think the comments that were posted in response to my last entry were the last kick in the ass I needed to convince myself to go out to the bar for the fundraiser. I was caught up in a little bit of work beforehand and didn't quite make the last bus but I had primped for the night anyway, made myself a few drinks beforehand to get me in the mood, and decided to splurge for the cabfare down.

I ended up texting back and forth on the way there with a female acquaintance; I wasn't really hesitant to say where I was headed with her but during couple of drunken IMs after coming home I did stop short of saying I was at a gay bar. I think it's becoming more haphazard who I choose to out myself to. It would be great to just get it all over with. Shame that's not going to happen.

I brought my camera along for the ride. I love being able to get pictures of random moments; for a while I was more about getting people to acknowledge the camera in a stilted fashion but lately I've been trying to get rid of the artifice and the guarded. I did get a few poses but I was also interested in holding the camera steady and getting the ghosts of the people as they moved around; getting the coloured lights and the ambience the flash washes out. I'm not really so bold to get the frozen moments between people just yet; just the mood is enough for now.

58-year-old Pizza Guy was there. I let him down gently. I got a ride back to my side of the river by a younger, better looking guy. We kissed for a bit but at this point I'm really just playing the field. My place is a mess; I don't really want anyone to see it before I get cleaned up. That could be a metaphor for how I live.

The chance to network helps. Meeting interesting people and talking about life and experience is always nice.

Liberation?

2010-05-01T01:05:00.000-03:00

Conversation eludes me these days. It's a chore. Many nights I have nothing to say.

About two months ago or so some local guy added me on Facebook, and for about a month there was a lot of tentative dirty chat going on there. I've tried Facebook chat but I can't really say I've gotten into it. It was a little liberating because I still have a bit of a hangup regarding sex and discussing sexual matters, but it kind of felt more like a chore logging on to Facebook because I knew he'd be messaging and flirting with me every single day. Randomly, though, he deleted me from Facebook. This is alright.

Tomorrow the gay bar in my city is going to be holding a fundraiser for Pride. I went out fairly often last year but this year I'm trying to save my money; I'm pretty sure I mentioned before that cabfare can set me back quite a bit for a night out, not to mention the costs of drinks and cover. I go out to the bar from time to time when I become aware that I haven't been out recently, but more often than not I end up sitting at the bar by myself trying to hide away from interacting with people. I either succumb to self-consciousness and shyness or just get turned off by the old guys from "down home" following me around the bar and the ugly guy with the mullet offering blowjobs. I order another beer every half hour like clockwork and by the end of the night I've drank away my libido.

Whatever happened to the version of myself that had this sense of how life offers all these different opportunities to get to know interesting people? I remember nights out in college before I came around where conversation just flowed. It's been a while since I was like this; in retrospect it probably would have been wiser to force myself to get out regularly rather than to retreat to my apartment to try and recover spent energies.

Sometimes I think about what I'd do to get myself out of this set identity I've fallen into. Different clothes. tattoos, piercings. Flamboyant displays. My desire to get through life unscathed eventually squelches these urges to embrace the freak inside. How did I manage to randomly make out with this guy at the bar a year and a half ago?

2010-03-15T03:55:00.002-03:00

I find lately I have a problem communicating. It's never been my strong suit anyway but for the last few months I've stopped really blogging or writing emails. I still instant message from time to time but it's with people I already have broken down the barriers and filters between my brain and my fingers; people I'm comfortable talking with, or can get away with making random jokes with. But sometimes I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I think I've been trying to make my facebook more than obvious that I'm gay for anyone who would be likely to pick up on it. At the same time, there are still people on my Facebook that I'm not exactly quick to disclose my orientation to. My parents aren't on my profile for a reason. I admit the prospect of coming out to them frightens me but I really don't know if I can handle the fallout.

Stagnation

2009-11-02T05:52:00.002-04:00

I go through these spurts where I have something to say to the world and want to get the word out on all fronts. I'm in the mood to connected and discuss and share and then...nothing. I stop instant messaging. my blog posts are terse one-sentence ambiguities or unsubtleties.

The people that mean the most to me end up getting frozen out because I can't bring myself to talk about what's really on my mind these days. It's because I've brought that up before but haven't made a whole lot of progress since getting their take on moving, getting a new job, coming out, etc.

I am a creature of habit. I'm aware of my habits for coping with how pointless my job is. I think in the short term: what CDs or DVDs i find, outings to the gay bar, photography runs. Then I realize I've been in this city for almost three years and I don't really have much to show for it.

I'm at a point where I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I also know there are worse things than loneliness. If I have to go though this just to get where I'm going, so be it, but I would like the payoff to be sooner than later.

2009-10-19T05:13:00.001-03:00

It's time to reboot my life.

Uncommunicative

2009-10-04T18:53:00.004-03:00

I'm tired these days. I find the back-and-forth of even an online conversation takes too much out of me and I just go into my autopilot mode of checking my usual sites and social networking pages.

I am aware of my relative isolation. Which is not to say I am completely friendless or disconnected, but I am aware of the length of time it has been since doing things with certain people or even sending emails. Maybe it's just that Facebook statuses take a fraction of the effort of an email to a friend, and since Facebook statuses are just of the moment, you don't really have to put a lot of background into where you've gone since the last time you wrote. Part of my reluctance to send emails is that I'm currently at a standstill in my life where I'm not really making a lot of real progress. I'm basically just marking time and existing where I should be living.

I have been going to the gay bar from time to time, but I often find myself not really interacting with other people, sometimes going to lengths to avoid crowds and so forth. The only difference is I do go upstairs from time to time to get a smoke/fresh air and I'm a little more conversational there. Last night I meant an elegant transvestite truck driver from New York, and I have met a few other interesting people.

Unfortunately, I also seem to be a magnet for squicky older guys. I'm not particularly interested in guys over 40 at this time (well, if they're at least reasonably good looking, educated or interesting), but quite a few times I've been hit on by older men who weren't particularly appealing. Old Pizza Guy has a tendency to follow me around the bar and sit down next to me, and I've already dropped the hint a few times I'm not interested.

I'm not sure if I want a relationship right away though or if I just want a little action. It's not to say the desire isn't there, but I'm considerably passive in this regard and don't really like being the initiator. I've also turned down a couple of otherwise promising random hookups. I do know that I am more excited by the prospect of sex with another man than I am with a woman, but I'm not really one to go to great lengths to get it.

Maybe it's part of not being fully out. I don't think I'm completely ready to be 100% out but I do think I need to make it a little more obvious that I happen to be gay and want to meet some other gay people.

2009-07-30T03:38:00.000-03:00

I let them steal a year of my life away from me.

It's time to reclaim my existence.

Fragments

2009-07-26T21:50:00.000-03:00

Sleepy melancholy in the city. The greens are out in full splendor but it won't last.

I grow sedentary. I entrench in something I have no desire to be stuck in. I keep reminding myself to fight it but I'm aware how easy it is to succumb to practicality.

I sit alone. I use most of my social energy on my job and can't devote the necessary energy to keep the connections I do want.

Just another Saturday afternoon, watching the river flow. The clouds pass in front of the sun and dull the light; a cool breeze blows.

Stop worshipping ghosts.

I say I'm interested in things like writing and photography, but pursuing these hobbies seems to take a backseat to routine and pointless pursuits. I wonder if I do have an interest or have the capability to appreciate these endeavors, or if it's something to make me seem less dull. Caught between the two worlds: endeavoring to connect to one that may be above me while trying to seperate from the one that doesn't interest me at all.

Am I where I really should be? Sleepwalking through the city in hot pursuit of distraction.

I want to see these things with new eyes again, but you can only truly do it once. If you stay in one place too long, you run out of things to discover.

2009-07-24T13:37:00.002-03:00

I think sometime soon I'd like to criss-cross the continent and seek out a new existence. I think the main thing holding me back is that I'm up to my ass in student loan debt, and I have too many possessions that I'm not sure I'm willing to part with as of yet.

But this has been calling me for a while.

Gotta get away, gotta get away

2009-07-11T15:37:00.001-03:00

What happened to this blog? I had originally envisioned it to be this unfiltered space where I could talk about whatever, but I seem to have gotten onto a single track with my sexuality. It's on my mind a lot but it's holding back the other parts of me that I want to give voice to.

2009-06-14T04:30:00.004-03:00

I haven't been going out to the gay bar in my city as much as I had been in February, March and April. Part of this is because my student loan payments are coming off every month again (I was on interest relief) and I can't afford the extra expenditure of booze and cab fare (which is quite a bit considering how far my place is from there). Also, my work schedule is just crap right now and I'm lucky if I even get out.

I did make it out about a week ago. I really don't mingle there, though, even though the bartenders now recognize me. I just sit at the bar and down beer after beer. There are times when I feel like I need to just keep to myself, and then I come home and ask myself why wasn't I a bit more chatty when I was out. I find, though, it comes better when I'm outside having a smoke.

I've been getting that antsy, almost ready to be out feeling again. I just want to be able to get this over with.

2009-04-20T03:56:00.001-03:00

Someone, give me the courage to just come out already.

2009-03-30T03:15:00.002-03:00

Lately I've been wondering what I'm using this space for. I was originally hoping to have a space where I would be free from any preset identity on this front except for a few select people, but I am not sure where to go from here. I do feel like having this space for anonymous naked self-examination but I'm also at the point where I really think it's necessary to just start living my life openly, out of the closet, and make connections as a gay man.

We shall see.

Like a piece of meat.

2009-03-05T02:57:00.002-04:00

I'm officially out to my younger sister now. It actually went quite smoothly and was as much of an issue to her as if I had declared my love for a particular candy, which actually was pretty much what I was expecting. It just happened randomly while I was on a vending machine run with her in our hotel.

As freeing as it is to finally be out, most of what's on my mind these days is work. I've made countless posts in other forums under my public identity about my job situation: to say that the work I have right now is unsatisfying, stressful and downright hellis is an understatement. I feel like I've reached my physical, mental and emotional limits with what ultimately is an entry-level position with minimal opportunity for advancement; a position that can easily be restaffed with the government refunds for training and payroll this company receives.

My friends all tell me: "quit, dammit!" My gut tells me I don't want this. I've been making some effort to find alternate employment to allow me to leave without worrying about interrupting the cash flow but I haven't been as aggressive as I could be in the search. The process scares me far too much.

Part of it is the feeling that it's by some bizarre fluke that I've been able to last so long at my current job. A lot of people tell me the time I put in at this particular company is amazing considering their general reputation, and that prospective employers will be impressed by this. The way I see it, the fact this company hired me in the first place is just another example that they hire anybody.

I think my personality would be a big deterrent in being hired: I'm not outgoing in the least and am actually quite awkward and socially uncomfortable unless I know someone, traits that hold people back at best and get people fired at worst. I'm concerned I'm pretty much trapped in this kind of work unless I want to be unemployed and living with my parents in an isolated small town.

I'm miserable at my job and it shows. I have to get out now.

Action

2009-02-23T02:00:00.002-04:00

The last two weekends I've been going to the local gay bar in the city. Technically, it's the next city over but it's considered the same metropolitan area so I can get there and back using public transportation. I like the place; I usually stop by when it's not busy so I don't have to worry about cover or crowds. The main thing that keeps me from going more is my work schedule and the distance from where I live: there is absolutely horrible transit service to my town, cab fares are prohibitive, and most of the time I get out of work too late for the last bus downtown.

There aren't a lot of people I know in the city. Part of it is because I keep to myself and don't really feel comfortable in social situations right away and part of it is because I'm so tired from my current job. I plan on leaving the job soon for a number of reasons; this would also be a good excuse to move into the city.

I wouldn't object to moving to a different city, actually. I don't mind where I live but it's a very limiting region of the country; it's not one that's particularly known for tolerant attitudes, and employment opportunities are quite limited even if you did live in the city. We'll see. I think what I need is some sort of complete break from where I am now just to start fresh; there are too many tethers holding me back.

I'm taking action.

Unsent

2009-02-08T05:09:00.004-04:00

I have a number of emails sitting in my drafts folder tonight because I noticed how few I've been sending to people I know lately.

I'm still struggling with the wording of the inevitable "coming out" letter. Or even if it should be a letter. There are a few people I want to do this face-to-face with but sometimes I don't know if I'll have the opportunity anytime soon.

Opening the floodgates.

2009-02-04T04:27:00.005-04:00

In the interest of facilitating connection, I've opened comments to all posters rather than the registered; my only request is to readers who know who I am in real life: please don't post anything that identifies me publicly.

I've been seeking out GLBT related blogs. I'm always up for something new to read and someone new to share with.

2009-02-03T01:44:00.002-04:00

I think this is the time to make some new connections in my life; mainly with other people but also internally. and get serious about some other changes in my life; rather than drive myself crazy with the same internal dialogue I want to take action for once.

I feel like I need to meet more gay people. I don't really know what it is these days; I'm not by nature a particularly social or outgoing person but there's this sense of isolation I get at times with my situation. It would help if I didn't feel the need to hide part of myself from other people. There are things I desperately want to say to people but it's not coming out. I'm frozen.

Maybe some physical distance from my current life might help things. I took a quick plane trip somewhere last summer for a wedding and the distance from my everyday existence gave me a little bit of perspective I needed; it told me that there is a life beyond my current circumstance. I need to keep that in mind instead of constantly occupying my time with various diversions. I don't know what it is I need though. Do I need to make a clean break from my current life?

The road ahead.

2009-01-29T02:44:00.005-04:00

I fear I haven't been making good on my vow to use this space for its intended purpose. What was supposed to be a "rawer" blog than my other ones in my own public identity has simply become yet another space sitting idle. I need to allow myself to just post on here. At the same time I don't want to fall into the trap of posts for the sake of posts like I tend to do on other blogs.

Part of my motivation for the blog was to have an outlet for my emotions regarding my coming out journey; at the time I started the blog I wanted to have this seperate space where I could just post unfiltered, without trying to reconcile what I'm saying with others' expectations of who I am, or even my own attempts to influence the image I'm trying to give off. I give the blog address to a few people I know, but for the most part I don't want this to be a blog where people stumble upon it, recognize it's me and are in for the shock of their life. Even as I'm starting to open up about my preference I still feel like having this space is necessary.

I've been having a lot of questions about the life I want to be living. I'm currently in a not particularly satisfying...actually fairly soul-killing job, and I keep saying to myself (and anyone that will listen) that I need to get out before I go insane, but I'm completely lost as to which direction I should go in. I take a few online aptitude tests, whatever they're worth, and they point out what I've always known: my interests are in the arts, specifically writing or performing, although something like film editing might also be a good match for me. I don't really know if that's really a viable option for me. I limped through undergrad while garnering a ridiculous student loan debt, and while I would love to find a way to at least develop my skills, I wonder if I'm just lacking in the necessary temperment and discipline to follow through.

I see people who have had a clear idea as to what they want out of life for ages and have dedicated themselves to seeing it through, and here I sit wondering if I have the necessary drive or even talent to do something like this. I ask myself if there are some people, no matter what they're interested in or where their skills and talents lie, who just will continue to only be able to do something that they're not particularly interested in or even skilled at because of some internal factors. I pray that isn't me, but fear it is.

I know of several different outlets I've been interested in pursuing. I wish I had the determination to just go ahead and find a way to translate the fragmented ideas into something real.

Progress

2008-12-19T01:35:00.003-04:00

About two months ago I came out to a few more people, and while the response was positive and some of the burden was lifted off my shoulders, I still feel like I'm not living the life I want to live. Maybe it's the distance between where I live and the gay bar in town (combined with a shitty bus system). It could be that I'm just afraid of putting myself out there. But I know this isn't a place I want to stay for much longer.

I said something

2008-10-23T03:06:00.001-03:00

It's time to make these major steps out.

2008-10-21T02:08:00.001-03:00

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I apologize for my silence.

Preemptions

2008-09-13T17:24:00.002-03:00

My city held its gay pride parade today. I didn't go. I went last year, I was planning to go this year, but I was so tired, so under the weather that I didn't feel like I was up to it.

I'm already regretting my decision.

A lot of my tiredness comes from the job I do. I work at a call center. Call center work by definition is unpleasant, but right now it's a multi-pronged unpleasantness: my current client deals with people denied credit or having to pay deposits, and let's just say we don't get the cream of society calling in. Now that client's ending (the call center's outsourcing the credit bureau contract to the Philippines), and we're being herded like cattle into a different contract for a cell phone company; a more difficult program to learn, more stressful, the whole drill. But there's more: we'll have to sign a contract saying we accept that we are not guaranteed hours (before, we were guaranteed 37.5 per week), we have to attempt sales, and the despised supervisor from the current program is going to be a supervisor in the new one: more nagging. I also hear rumors that they're ending the shift-bids by seniority just as we're going over so there's a good chance I'll be stuck in a shift that's even worse than the bottom one here.

It's pretty pathetic when you're at a company three years and you still work the crap shift. I feel like I'm locked into this unpleasantness. My friends tell me to quit and find another job...relocate if I have to. I don't know why I can't take the leap to do it. I see so many people there resigned to their fate: "It's something different," they say. "Call center jobs are hard." I know this is not what I want to be doing but I feel like I'm part of a group of people who did something wrong in a past life and are stuck in a position that I myself don't want to be in.

It's getting to the point where I feel like the rest of my life is being affected. I know a few people in the city but for the most part not having a car and living in a place with mediocre public transportation service cuts me off from doing a lot anyway, but I think it's going to get worse. I can forget about the luxury of long weekends in the new contract. I may not even be able to go out to see a show or dance when I once used to because I may have to work a shitty shift. I'm too tired to even go to a stupid gay pride parade or a gay bar. And a lot of people still don't know that side of me.

I think I need to just blow the proverbial popsicle stand.

A confession.

2008-09-07T19:08:00.003-03:00

Most of my music collection is performed by people now over the age of 50.

I wonder if this means anything.

The passing of time, and all of its crimes.

2008-08-30T10:30:00.003-03:00

I saw some geese flying in a V-formation about a half hour ago. It's migration time already; only a short while ago I was still complaining about how long winter seemed to be hanging around. An entire summer has just vanished...I can at least say I did a few interesting things this year, but it seems like I didn't take advantage of the window of opportunity the season gives, a window that just feels smaller and smaller every year.

Maybe it's just because that any fixed length of time becomes a decreasing percentage of your life as you get older, but in any case it's not a pleasant realization that you're aware how little time you have in your life but you still squander it.

Sonambulism

2008-08-28T00:24:00.002-03:00

I feel like I'm in a state where I'm just sleepwalking through my own existence. A repetitive cycle of routines, obligations and space for only a few minor, insubstantial variations that don't shift the balance enough to move it into a different direction.

I'm too risk-averse to make the shift because I don't know if I will end up going in the right direction or crash-land in the ditch. I don't think I have the access to the right tools to actually head anywhere I want to in life and I'm stuck on my course while losing my ability to pretend that I'm happy with it.

The word "suffer" is overused, especially when it comes to minor inconveniences and trivial matters, but I'm wondering if this could be applied here. There are all these areas in my life I feel a negative impact on, but I can't tell if this is a symptom of what I'm feeling or the root cause. I'm at a loss at what to say these days to people, from something as glib and offhand as a Facebook wall post to a private, meticulously crafted e-mail. Do I keep going over the same story that I've been telling everyone else ad infinitum, a story even I'm sick of telling? Do I unload all this weight I've been carrying around lately in one bloodletting? Do I try to drop subtle hints that I need help and hope they pick up?

I think I'm eroding.

And if the people stare, the people stare.

2008-08-20T00:38:00.004-03:00

Part of the reason I opened this blog was because I wanted to write without a particular audience in mind and do it without having what's written here linked publicly to a particular identity. Yet I still am relucatant to post my uncensored thoughts and emotions in this space.

I do have a handful of people who I let know about this page. But I will not post my real name or any contact information here. I will not locate myself physically here. I will not post a link to it elsewhere that publically connects it to my identity. At the same time, I don't want to completely isolate the contents of this blog from connection with other people. I want to be able to meet new people; I want to be able to share with others what I'm thinking, if not the details of my actual life. I do want this to be a connection to me and not an alias, but I don't know the mechanics.

This has been on my mind for ages...

I'm queer. I admitted it about three years ago but for the longest time I didn't even let myself consider that as a possibility. Part of it was because I knew I had crushes on girls. I knew I used the word "hot" when describing the opposite gender. When it came to guys, I can say in retrospect that I did have an interest in them, but I was always suppressing it, or it would generate this weird guilt-associated feeling; I wasn't letting myself own up to my sexual desires and inclinations. I chalk a lot of it to a religious upbringing and a guilty paranoia about anything that could have led me down the road to Hell. I also didn't want to do anything that could have led to further ostracization at school.

I feel like when this stuff is written out it just feels so trite and not completely reflective of my experiences, but I think I've always had hints I could be gay or bisexual, although I'm still working out what exactly the hints meant to me. Was it just that I wasn't particularly adept at following the normal socialization patterns? I don't know. I've had a curiousity about the experiences of other GLBT people for a while. How they realized they were different. The point when they started living their lives on their terms.

I think my admission was rather sudden. I'd been thinking for a while that when it came down to it I really didn't see anything wrong with hooking up with another guy. That then became me thinking it was kind of tittilating. And then it became something I wanted to do...and that just opened the floodgates. I made a selectively-filtered post in a blog just to get it on record, just to bring the topic up. I chose people who I knew were fine with non-heterosexuality as well as people who there was a physical "buffer" from. Looking back, there were a few other people I really think I should have told right off. The response was generally positive and encouraging, but I wasn't in a rush out. But I thought about it constantly.

I began to trickle out more and more to other people while still remaining in the closet to the average person. I started dropping hints on online profiles in such an oblique way that I wonder if anyone notices or even cares what's being said. I fantasized often at work (in an abstract way; there was no way I could get the concrete experience in my then-present situation living at home). I looked at various websites and made sure to clear my cache or delete my history before someone else went on my machine.

When I moved out, I took my time exploring myself. Sure, I'd pick up the free copy of the local GLBT magazine or do a quick eye of all the gay magazines, but a lot of the time was whittled away online. I began to feel like I had two selves and I felt like I was paying lip service to each of them. I was eroding fast. Fortunately I finally had the opportunity to come out to someone close in person; my sister, who years before wasn't quite so tolerant, suddenly became a very vocal supporter of the community. I decided to come out to her when I visited her one time, although the way it came out was a little more unexpected and hilariously awkward, but she proved to be a staunch ally and someone that really encouraged me in my journey.

I came out to other people since. One said "I knew you were gay!" Another came out to me around the same time and we discuss hot guys. I ventured out to the city's gay bar a few times. I still feel isolated.

I think there are two things operating here: the first one is I'm not sure who I really am. I'm vacillating between calling myself gay or bisexual; or maybe one of the more inclusive words that only a specific subsection of people have a working familiarity with. I don't know what my preference is or if I even have one; I notice women more readily at times but at the same time I fantasize more often about men. I think there will need to be more exploring but I think I'm leaning closer to the gay side lately. I could end up with a woman though...and there's a chance I'd pair off with someone whose gender doesn't pick a side of the dichotomy...I don't know. I think there has to be some sort of connection though and I'm still figuring out how that and attraction are going to mix together.

The other thing is that I'm really at a point where I'm feeling like staying in the closet is blocking me. I feel my head is ready to explode at times with my thoughts, my desire to connect people to the real me. And every day I hold back, it sinks me deeper and deeper into myself. But I keep thinking: am I really prepared to lose any friends over this? Am I painting myself into a corner by coming out? Am I doing this at the right time? Am I saying this in the right way? Did I make things worse by not mentioning it earlier on?

I really want to scream sometimes. Or cry. Or have some other form of release. But it's not coming. And I don't how if I have the balls to make it come.

Hejira

2008-08-15T03:16:00.002-03:00

I've been on a big Joni Mitchell kick these days. I got a couple of her albums over the years, but chance acquistions of For The Roses and The Hissing of Summer Lawns in the last month or two really brought it into overdrive. As good an album as Blue is, the period I'm really a big fan of is her early to mid 70s run; it has a slightly more adventurous quality to its sound that I like, these additional colors that the instruments and arrangements give the music. I really am in awe at her lyrics too, just the way the words go together and create these images and impressions. I'm particularly fond of Hejira. Joni found this way to distill the mental and spiritual experience of travel in a particular way that I haven't really been able to find anywhere else; it's not just with the lyrics but with the music as well.

Listening to the album and knowing the process behind its creation only adds to my wanderlust. Someday I would like to be able to take a solitary cross-country journey (maybe not fuelled by cocaine, but I digress). I find the motion and being on a trajectory opens things up for me: it's a fuel that reestablishes these long severed mental links.

There's so much of the world left to discover. There are so many fellow comrades left to encounter.

The Spark

2008-07-27T21:05:00.003-03:00

Every so often I come into this state of utter restlessness, but for some reason I lack that spark that makes me want to get out of autopilot and try different approaches. It could just be fear of the unknown, but is there ever true satisfaction that just comes from playing things safe all the time? Looking deep into myself, I know that for all the routines and rituals I have, my life is less satisfying unless I say "fuck it", go ahead and find one impulsive thing to do every once in a while. Not calculated impulsiveness either, with existing arrangements already made for that burst of recklessness.

My main problem is continuing to convince myself my life will not be any more richer just by sitting around and waiting.

Trajectories

2008-07-14T01:43:00.003-03:00

Someone posted a meme online where you have a conversation with your younger self. After much trepidation due to a not particularly happy childhood, I bit. (It helped that a lot of the other participants had similar histories and for the most part ended up functional).

When I was coming up with the dialogue, I remembered how religious I used to be. A large part of that was due to my upbringing, with a bit of naievete in the mix somewhere. My mind had a number of things instilled at a young age; it was "bad" to like rock music, other religions were "evil", and, well, you can probably guess the position on homosexuality. I wondered what my younger self would have thought about me at age 26; I remembered trying to avoid "evil" around that time and I have no reason to doubt that had I known I was going to turn out this way, I would have doubled my efforts.

I stopped short of having to tell my younger self I eventually came out of the closet. Part of my reason for not writing this was to keep it true to what I knew of my younger self: I didn't think I could have accepted being gay or bi at my age; it probably would have intensified any feelings of guilt I had for even thinking about the subject.

One of my motives for keeping this obscured was that I'm actually not fully "out". The comment was linked to my identity in real life and an established online identity as well. I didn't feel that it was an appropriate time and place to take a step I feel even more strongly each day that I want to take. I also wanted to keep the tone somewhat light and didn't want to bog down my younger self with a newfound doubting of his beliefs.

I don't even recall the exact reason why I drifted away from faith in my early 20s. Up until my second year at university I had been somewhat devout if not completely religious, but after that fall, I just...stopped. My own coming out didn't come until a few years after that.

I eventually posted the dialogue. I didn't think it was anything great; it lacked the wit of some of the other conversations, and I thought it was too much of a compromise to not say anything explicit about my homosexuality.

I was grateful for the opportunity to examine the trajectory of my life, though.

The Beginning

2008-07-11T03:52:00.003-03:00

I haven't decided on a set purpose for this aside from being another auxillary blog, but I think this is going to be the place to do some deeper explorations. I've been wanting to get back into the writing for writing's sake mindset lately but haven't been able to fully discipline myself into that direction.

This will not be a blog for the minutiae of my life. I think I might try for something a little abstract and introspective. I don't know. I attempted to do something similar on the social networking sites but I find I have to self-censor there because I know who has access to what I write, and know my identity is linked to these thoughts. Therefore, I am keeping anonymous to the general public although there will be a few select individuals who I will let in on this.

I think I might want to find a new display name. I chose "Earth Bound Poet" from a line in a Tragically Hip song blasting from my earbuds one night; looking on it now, it doesn't have that same catch to it as it did before. I don't know.

Update (08/15/2008): I have since switched to another name from a Joni Mitchell lyric. I think it fits here.